There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
