woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
