Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
