Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
