Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
