He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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