i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Randomize
