so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
4 words: hood of his car
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
