I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
