Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
