what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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