he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
