My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
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All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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