every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Randomize
