Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
In America we eat man semen.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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