just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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