I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
