What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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