Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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