new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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