I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.