So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts