Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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