somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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