Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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