i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize