Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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