I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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