Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
