I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
