It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
