this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
