after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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