true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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