i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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