Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
