btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
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My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
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I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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