woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
