Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
