btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
