Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
