Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
