did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
there's paper in my vomit.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
