you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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