So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
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i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
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Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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