Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Randomize
