I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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