Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
