the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
