Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
please don't ironically join a cult
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