i'm signing you up for texting rehab
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
