My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
