Are we in a gay sports bar?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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