I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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