She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
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I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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