If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
